Little Bits Of Fun

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Optimism is going after Moby Dick in a rowboat and taking the tartar sauce with you!

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought "Nap Time" was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.